teamsam.com Blog

Still Swimming Though Sometimes Through Tears

By Margot | May 17, 2010

Last Friday marked nine weeks and the 12th last week was two months.   We have been to two nights of grief counseling so far.  The first night we all just did an art project as a family and the boys liked that and the second night we just sat around and talked about what we should talk about in the next six sessions.   Charlie was asleep on my lap the whole time and Andy was in his group but he hated it because instead of putting him in “the middles” 7-10  they switched the littles to 4 to 7.  There were only two 7 year-old girls and Andy and a lot of 4 year-olds.  Our counselor said she’d make sure he is switched up tomorrow night.  He makes stuff dedicated to Sam at school.  Last week it was “Sam bucks”  pretend dollars and ten dollars with “Sam You Rock” on them.  We’ve been busy ferrying him from sport to sport, swimming, basketball and soccer.  Yesterday was his last soccer game and he scored two goals and his second goal broke the 3-3 tie so he was very excited and happy.  Grandpa and Grandma Steevie are in town and Andy has been playing a lot of chess with Grandpa.  I think it’s becoming his life goal to beat him ;-). 

Charlie has been swimming and going to school and playing with Jett.   He talks about Sam all the time and looks up into the sky at night and says that Sam is sitting on the brightest star.  When he gets scared at night before bed he says, “Oh yeah, I forgot, the vampires can’t get me because Sam pretects me.”   He likes the idea of having a guardian angel.   We’ve been babysitting Rosco for the past few days and Charlie just loves him.  He gets up and sees Rosco and smiles.

I have been trying to stay as busy as possible - not too hard lately with end of the year stuff for the boys - and to exercise because running and hitting the tennis ball helps for some reason.  Aside from missing Sam and his laugh and his sense of humor terribly, it is very odd to have suddenly gone backwards in “mom years.”  I went from having a fourth grader a first grader and a preschooler to not having the fourth grader and though I still feel like the veteran mom with a nine year-old and I still say, “Well when Sam did that, this happened. “   I can’t imagine the day when Andy get’s older then Sam ever was and I won’t say that anymore.  I was booking tickets to New Mexico for this summer and looked up our Southwest account there was Sam’s frequent flyer number at the top of the notes.  Somehow documents with Sam’s name on them bring me to my knees and I booked the tickets with tears streaming down my face.  Also, it’s our first plane ride without Sam.  It’s going to be hard.  Especially because we did so much traveling with him last summer.

Neil has been going through all the pictures and backing up the videos and cleaning out books and papers we don’t need any more.  He’s been making quite a bit of progress.

We are being interviewed today by someone from the La Jolla newspaper who saw some publicity about the book sale Charlie’s preschool had in honor of Sam.  They raised over $400!  Pretty awesome for one and two dollars per book.  I’ll put up a link to that if we make the news.  Also have the slideshow ready for YouTube so that should go up this week.

Thanks for checking in on us.  Please keep all of the kids still fighting in your prayers. 

Margot

Topics: Progress Reports | 14 Comments »

A Gold Balloon

By Margot | May 4, 2010

Andy and Charlie at the Lego store at Disneyland

Sam running ahead at age one

Since I can’t really bring myself to post pictures of the boys without pictures of Sam, I’m going to post a picture from Sam’s All Star slide show or pictures that people send that I hadn’t seen yet to go along with new photos of Charlie and Andy.

We all had a great time at Disney.  It was a good get away and the boys were so excited to go into the park that Andy woke up four times in the middle of the night and said, “Mom, mom, am I going to wake up in time for Disneyland?”  He was up for good at 5:50 that morning and we were about the third family in line when the doors opened to the park.  It was a little chilly and since it was a Tuesday, there weren’t that many people.  I think we hit about every ride.  Andy’s favorite was California Screamin’  which I have to say is a good choice.   Charlie loved Toon Town but said “It’s a Small World” was too babyish for him.  He went on Pirates of the Carribean and The Jungle Cruise and was on The Matterhorn but hopped off before it got going.   

We’ve been doing basketball and soccer with Andy and signed Charlie up for fall soccer next year.  Andy was a rock star in his last game and scored four goals and had an assist that just about killed him to give.  He had dribbled the ball all the way down the field and there was a boy (also Andy) on his team right next to him with no one in front of the goalie and the other Andy asked our Andy “Can I score this one?”  Andy said sure and passed him the ball.  I was very proud of him but he made sure to tell everyone afterwards that he really had five goals but gave one away.  It was kind of funny.     His class named one of their brand new chicks after Sam (Speedy Sam) and Andy says that’s his favorite.   We start Grief street tonight from 6 to 9 and I think it’ll be good for Andy.  The other day we were somewhere and I was telling someone about our three boys and Andy put his hand over my mouth before I could say Sam died.  I think sometimes he doesn’t want to be “that kid.”   He doesn’t have any problems talking about Sam at home though.  It is odd how many times I’ve had  THE QUESTION about how many kids we have or how old they are.  I’ve answered it in different ways to different people sort of depending on the situation but I get a bit of a panic attack each time someone asks.  I’m not all that good of a “group sharer”  (eaiser for me to write things you lucky readers ;-)) so we’ll see how it goes for me tonight.

Today is teacher appreciation day and Charlie and I were at Vons before school getting some flowers for the teachers and directors of his school.   While the lady was wrapping up the flowers Charlie saw there was a balloon bin with all different colors and he said, “I want a balloon.”   I asked if he wanted Green, his current favorite color and he said “No, I want this gold one here.”  So I asked the lady to add a balloon to our tab and she filled it up and put some weights on the bottom.  As soon as we walked into the parking lot Charlie said, “Sam is going to love this.  I’m going to let it go.”  He let it go but didn’t understand it wouldn’t go anywhere with the weights on and so I snapped off the weights and up went the balloon to Sam.  Charlie was so pleased with himself.  He said on the way to school that Sam could share the balloon since it’s gold but that he gets the first turn with it.  He totally surprised me because I thought he wanted it for himself.  

Charlie’s school is having a book sale to benefit MagicWater and Kate Sessions is starting the Coins for a Cure this month as well. 

We went for a bike ride to the beach yesterday and it was such a beautiful day.  It was great to get the boys out  and they loved it.  Charlie was done so Neil and Andy rode back to get the car and pick us up and Charlie and I rode back part way and swung on the little yellow swing in a front yard that I used to swing Sammy on when he was little on our way to and from the beach.   We think of him a million times a day and my emotions tend to ambush me when I least expect it.  We are still getting pictures and little stories that I hadn’t heard before and that is awesome.  I love it.

Thanks for checking in, I will let you know if I gain any insights from counseling.

Margot

Topics: Progress Reports | 17 Comments »

Fragile

By Margot | April 26, 2010

We are doing all right.  The boys are keeping us going.  Andy has had basketball and soccer and playdates and has started the chess club and Charlie has had swimming and scooter playdates with Jett where they ride their new spark scooters (scooters that actually throw out sparks when you hit the brakes -great for fire prone California). Friday was Brazilian culture night at our school and the boys watched about ten to fifteen minutes of the show and then ran out to play four square -not sure much culture was absorbed but Uncle Matt learned how to play four square.  Neil and I actually went out on a date night last night with Meredith and Ron and Lisa and Kurt and we had a good time with a lot of  laughs.     Charlie and Andy keep me laughing too.  They are both doing very well and are busy boys.  Charlie had his parents night at school and brought his football with him and played football with his buddies on the playground.   I have been running and going to a bootcamp that’s been fun.   I’m not sure I qualify as a fittness fanatic yet but I am getting out there.

Uncle Matt and Charlie and Andy and I  went to SeaWorld today before soccer for our friend Trevor’s birthday today and the tears started the minute I pulled out all of the passes and Sam’s was with them.  I was glad I was wearing my new sunglasses (which Neil says make me look like an insect because they are so huge on my face) and I learned that there isn’t an entire gift shop in all of Sea World that sells kleenex (Grandma Joan I was wishing you were with me).  Sam spent a lot of hours at SeaWorld and everything seemed to remind me of him - but after my initial panic I had a good time with Charlie and Andy.  We went on shipwreck rapids and we all got soaked and laughed a lot and the boys loved the SeaLion show -the only rough patch for me was when they had a high school musical song that reminded me of Sam and again sunglasses came in handy.

I have learned from the grief books that there are five stages of grief and from one grief book that there are five different types of grievers (not sure that I buy that one since Neil and I seem to embody all five descriptions at different moments), I have learned that everyone grieves differently and mostly I have learned that grief books don’t help worth a damn.  I think I already posted that a couple of posts ago but I can’t seem to stop my compulsive habit of running to the bookstore to find information.  Somehow maybe if I study it enough I’ll become good at it, which is such a laugh.   I read Rhonda’s post today https://www.carepages.com/carepages/Sydneymarie and she was in a very scary situation and her panic so resonated with me.  The nightmares that I’ve had since Sam died are about Charlie and Andy dying and when Charlie ran into the fire hydrant that Sunday after Sam died, I kept telling him to breathe, just breathe, though he was clearly breathing.  Life seems so fragile all of the sudden.  I was always the mother who said, “Oh let them try it, they’ll be fine.”

So as not to end on such a sad note, we are off to Disneyland tomorrow for a night at the hotel and a day at the park (Thank you Waterside and Bill) and the kids are looking forward to it, though Charlie is worried that it’s going to be too babyish for him (you know he’s already three and a half).  The other day in the car he said, “Mom, what are we listening to Lady Gaga for, she’s terrible.”  I honestly didn’t know who was on the radio but my three and a half year old did.  Andy’s influence of course.    Group grief counseling starts first week of May and I’ve called a couple of different one on one counselors for the boys.  Thanks for checking in on us.  Neil is making headway on the family videos and I hope to have some more up on YouTube and I’m hoping to get the slideshow up there too.

Margot

Topics: Progress Reports | 15 Comments »

Sam’s All-Star Party — The Highlight Video and Debut of Sam’s YouTube Channel

By Margot | April 18, 2010

Here’s the link to Sam’s YouTube page.  It’s teamsamhutchison because teamsam wasn’t available.  Also, Uncle Matt who worked tirelessly on this video has DVD’s for those who would like one.  His email address is newsdr@aol.com We were trying to get the video up here but it was too big.  We’ll be adding the slideshow and some other Sam videos soon.  Thanks to everyone for making the All Star Party so wonderful.  More family info.  later this week.

Margot

www.youtube.com/user/teamsamhutchison

Topics: Progress Reports | 8 Comments »

Four Weeks

By Margot | April 9, 2010

Today marks four weeks.  I spent the morning in tears re-reading my black journal.  I call it my black journal because it is black but also because it contains my very first entries after Sam was diagnosed and it is crushingly sad and it made me cry my eyes out.  Why would I do this to myself?  I don’t actually know but I keep going back to what if Sam never had cancer?  What would he be like?  Neil keeps trying to figure out if we had tried a different treatment path would things have turned out differently.  

For the most part though,  I am doing better than I thought I would be.   I am not curled up in a ball with the curtains drawn.  I thought that is how I would be and everyone keeps telling me how well I am doing which makes me wonder why I am not under the covers with the curtains drawn (though I suspect the reasons are Andrew and Charlie).  I am getting up, getting the kids to school, the skate park, friends houses etc.,  unless I am in the car listening to country music or I have to actually say out loud to someone (the lady at the beauty supply place, who knows our family but not well enough to know that Sam had died, whose day I ruined on Wednesday) then I’m holding it together all right.   Neil is starting to put our family videos on CD and we watched Sam during a basketball game two summers ago.  He was so happy after he made a basket and had such a funny celebratory face when he ran back down the court, it was such a Sam moment it made us both smile.  It is going to be good and painful to delve into those videos.  By the way, I know we owe photos and videos.  Uncle Matt and I are going to try and get a YouTube spot for Sam up so Sam fans can spend lots of time looking at the slide show we put together for the All Star party, listening to the wonderful speeches people gave of Sam and looking at Sam videos when we get them going.  At the rate we’ve been moving though I’m not sure when that will all happen. 

After wallowing for a while this morning,  I worked  for  a couple of hours and then I went out and bought some new running shoes because I figure with all my new “free time” I should become a fitness fanatic.   Not only because I have more time but also because I keep hearing my grandmother’s words to me when I was in my twenties and in relatively good shape, “Sure you’re skinny now, Margie, but wait until you hit 40, blub blub blub.”   Nice huh?  Since 4o is exactly two months away and I’m going to turn 40 without Sam turning 10 (he always knew my age even when he was really little because he knew when he was two, I was thirty-two), that I may as well try not to add to the misery with the blub blub blub factor.   We’ll see how that works out since I haven’t really done anything that counts as exercise for the past four months though I’ve gotten dressed to exercise if that counts.    Anyway, a word about all the free time.  It’s not actually a lot of time.  It’s the same amount of time any working mom with kids has, but because we were always going 200 miles an hour running from place to place, hospital to school to preschool to practice to hospital to audiologist, to soccer, to pick up Andrew, to pick up Sam, to pick up Charlie, checking email, writing emails, reading contracts, making work calls in the hospital hallway…  Now it feels like this enormous chunk of time is opened up and life is free and easy.  The only problem with the free and easy life is that it totally sucks without Sam and I would rather have my hair-on-fire life back if I could just hear him laughing at his brothers and demanding that I read.  I keep trying desperately to fill that time void with as many activities as possible because, well I don’t actually know why, probably because it will keep me distracted. The time phenomenon is similar to the chaos phenomenon.  Neil said the other day he misses the chaos which is funny because Charlie and Andy provide plenty of chaos themselves but because we have less chaos than we did when we had Sam in the fray adding to the excitement and the “who can push whose buttons” factor, it seems that we have no chaos.

Andy had his Camp Erin interview on Monday night and he is really excited about it.  He is such an adventurous guy. While we were at the meeting we signed the whole family up for counseling and Neil and up for a thing just for parents.  We are sneaking Charlie in for the group therapy a little early, he is supposed to be 4 but he passes for six.  He sometimes says, “I miss Sam” and then we talk about heaven for a while.  He has a stuffed dog that he named Sam that he takes places with his other stuffed dog that he named Rosco.    I’ll let you know if counseling is more helpful than grief books (though I’m reading Making Toast (just out) now that seems to be pretty good so far).  

Margot

Topics: Progress Reports | 19 Comments »

Wow!

By Margot | April 4, 2010

It’s all we can say about today. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

The outpouring of support from the community to make Sam’s All-Star Party a special day has us overwhelmed. We have photos and video we will upload but we did want to quickly say ‘thanks’ – a HUGE ‘thanks’ to everyone who attended and to the parents who made this day such a special day for us.

We will write more tomorrow (and we did find a necklace, silver with a cross, if someone lost it so please spread the word) but Sam would have LOVED it – soccer for hours with a ton of laughing and loving boys and girls.

The Pacific Beach Community – You Rock!!!!

THANKS – Neil, Margot, Sam, Andy, and Charlie

Topics: Progress Reports | 12 Comments »

A Million Artichokes

By Margot | April 1, 2010

Maureen and Neil were in the car last night with the boys while I ran into Vons for something and they were talking with the boys about pizza.  Maureen said she like artichokes and pepperoni on her pizza and then she said Sam really like artichokes and Andy answered “I don’t like artichokes but I would eat a million artichokes if it would bring Sam back to life.”  Andy is doing all right he’s mostly happy and busy but has moments looking at Sam’s pictures or talking about him when he cries and gets very sad.  He said a couple of days ago in the car after we’d been talking about Sam, “God I miss that kid.”  It was funny and sweet and sad at the same time.   We’ve signed him up for Camp Erin (which is a camp for kids who have lost someone) for a weekend in June and he is very excited about it.  He’s not old enough to do the overnight American Cancer Society Camp and he is excited to go overnight.

I’ve been reading a lot grief books and frankly they are sucking the life out of me.   Perhaps it happens to be the particular grief books that I’ve gotten a hold of but they all just make me feel worse.  The most helpful advice that I received and can relate to came from our friend Mallory who lost her wonderful, funny husband Ed to cancer and she said, (sorry if I’m paraphrasing Mallory) that it comes in waves and sometimes the waves just rock you a little and sometimes they make you lose your balance and then sometimes they come crashing in on top of you.  For some reason that imagery resonates with me.  It seems like I get a million little waves all day, taking Charlie to the Wild Animal Park yesterday, cooking, braving the grocery stores (actually that is more of an unbalancing wave).  Last night Charlie brought the waves crashing in.  We were watching American Idol (Sam loved to watch it and we hadn’t watched it yet together) and Charlie said suddenly, “But when is Sam coming back?”  Explaining to him that he wasn’t coming back was like cutting my heart out because I was also explaining it to the part of my brain that hasn’t really accepted that fact. Charlie cried. Later he said, “Mom, how do you go to bed in heaven?”  I said, “I don’t actually know, I’ve never been there” and he said, “Oh, well Sam knows now.”   Days have been good and busy and nights the waves come crashing in.  The best part of the wave imagery for me is that I try think of Sam surfing  and boogie boarding and how he would be grinnning and encouranging me to try riding those waves.  It was really theraputic to get out to Palm Springs and to work on the slide show of Sam pictures for Saturday because I had been reliving the last couple of weeks and the last day and his cremation and the pictures helped bring back all of the good memories and fun that he had.  I kept thinking of him in Palm Springs golfing and running up and going down the slide with his brothers.   Andy was a little hesitant to even get in at first because he wasn’t “used to swimming without Sam” but in typical Andy fashion he made a friend within about five minutes and spent the entire three days with him.    Charlie swam like a fish.

Neil braved working on Sam and Andy’s room a little today where we’ve piled up pictures and videos and keepsakes that we need to go through.  I braved putting together the Easter Egg treasure hunt for the boys for Easter morning.  Sam’s favorite.   Driving in the car alone is torture. I haven’t done it much thankfully but that is where I miss talking and laughing with Sam.     Oh how I wish we could all eat a million artichokes and bring him back.  Working on focusing on the happy memories and realizing in looking at all the pictures that, as Father Steven said at his mass,  he packed a lot of living in those nine years.

More soon after the All Star Party and Thanks a million to our village working tirelessly to put it all together.

Margot

Topics: Progress Reports | 17 Comments »

Reminder about the All-Star Party (Saturday 10am)

By Margot | March 31, 2010

We continue to get pictures from people the last few weeks – THANKS!!!! Snapshots emailed or harcopy that show us sides of Sam we never knew. WE LOVE those so please, please take a moment and rummage through your picture file or hard-drive. You will bring a smile to a very saddened family.

CALLING ALL SAM FANS!

Come Get in the GAME for Sam’s All Star Party!

Please join us

Saturday, April 3rd, 2010

10 AM – 12 PM

Kate Sessions Park playground area

What to bring:

Kids if you have ‘em

Soccer balls, kick-balls (if you’re so inclined)

Beach chairs/blankets if you want to take a rest between games

Photos of Sam to create your own scrapbook page for a big book

What to expect:

Fun, smiles, SPORTS!

Good music, Good friends

A prayer by Father Stephens from St. Brigid’s Church

Great memories shared by some family and friends

Light breakfast food if you get there early

Art making supplies ready to help make scrapbook pages*

(If you decide to make your page in advance that’s great – we welcome drawings, letters, poems, photos but please make sure it’s not on a page larger than 12” X 12”)

How To Help with Memorial Projects (many people have asked):

Following are some of the meaningful memorial projects in process for Samuel Thomas Hutchison, the fastest angel in heaven:

-      A plaque at Kate Sessions Park, Sam’s favorite place

-      Reading scholarships at Kate Sessions Elementary School

-      Upgraded basketball area at Kate Sessions Elementary

-      Continued pediatric cancer research

Support for these projects is being provided through MagicWater Foundation, a non-profit organization.  You can donate directly through www.magicwater.org – there are easy instructions on the site. Or, you can send a check made out to Magic Water to: 1787 Missouri Street, San Diego, CA 92109.  Sam’s family appreciates gifts of all sizes in Sam’s honor. They all add up to love.

Thank you!
Neil, Margot, Sam, Andy, and Charlie

Topics: Progress Reports | 3 Comments »

Numb and Fun

By Margot | March 28, 2010

We’re in Palm Springs – we had to get away for a few days and through the kindness of friends and strangers, we have had a great time together as a family. We only wanted to post a quick note since many are wondering how we’re doing and we’re not communicating much since we’re a bit numb but we have been swimming at the Westin Mission Hills – probably the kids favorite spot in the valley and one that Sam loved. They have a waterslide that the boys think by unanimous vote is the fastest 🙂

The desert warmth has been great and the boys are itching to head back home – Andy has Sunday soccer and Charlie wants his own bed again.

One Sam story: the boys were going up and down the slide at a feverish pace and we believe Charlie set a one-day record for the number of slides. He wears a life-vest but Margot and I are usually in the water to catch him just in case. At one point, I needed some help to get Charlie up the stairs and asked this nice young man if he could watch Charlie while I positioned myself in the pool to catch. This is the only exchange I had where I asked anyone for help — I introduced Charlie by saying “this is Charlie and he’s 3. What’s your name?” Anyone want to guess the boy’s name that I stumbled upon to help Charlie?

We miss Sam immensely. I have struggled with so many questions – what did I do wrong? How could I have done things differently and bought Sam some time? Margot copes differently – she and Sam were so close and they knew each other so intimately that I think she feels Sam with her every movement. With Andy and Charlie in our midst, we still feel like the luckiest parents ever but would do anything to have Sam back. It’s so final and that’s something very difficult to deal with.

Topics: Progress Reports | 14 Comments »

Scrapbooking help for Sam’s All-Star Party on April 3rd

By Margot | March 24, 2010

Quick funny story – two days ago, Andy and Charlie were playing Mario Tennis and Andy achieved a level he’d never reached – he yelled “I KNEW Sam would give me his powers! I just knew it!”.  Sam was a master at all videogames and we’re glad he’s channeling his skills to his younger brother.

We have been getting pictures from people the last few weeks.  Snapshots emailed or harcopy that show us sides of Sam we never knew.  WE LOVE those so please, please take a moment and rummage through your picture file or hard-drive.  You will bring a smile to a very saddened family.

As a special keepsake for us, at Sam’s All-Star Party (April 3rd, Kate Sessions Park, 10 am – 12 pm) we are going to – with your help and creativity – create a scrapbook instead of a guestbook. We encourage you to create your page ahead of time and bring it to the celebration. Creating it or planning it in advance will give you and/or your child the opportunity to document your special memories of Sam. Ideas for scrapbook pages include: photos, drawings, poems, messages, Sam stories, artwork…we know this is something that we will treasure forever.

We’ll have some supplies on hand to create a page at the party if you don’t create one in advance, or would like to finish one you bring. You can bring items with you to include, but everything must be flat, not dimensional. We will have some favorite photos of Sam there, if you want to incorporate one onto your page – but we would really love to see photos you have of Sam. Remember to write your name on the page! Encourage your kids and the kid-in-you to create something Sam would love.

Important technical info: Our finished scrapbook will be a 12” x 12” format. Your page can be any size up to 12×12. Questions about the scrapbook can be emailed to melissamikulak@yahoo.com. Great (single page) scrapbook supplies are available at Michael’s.

– If you want to create a page but can’t make the April 3rd celebration for some reason, please email Lisa Bonebrake @ Lisajbone@yahoo.com to arrange for pick up/drop off so that we can include it in the book.

– If you are a scrapbook enthusiast, or know someone who is, and might have extra supplies that we can use, or if you would like to purchase supplies to donate for this purpose, please email melissamikulak@yahoo.com. Or you can sign up to volunteer at the scrapbook table for a bit that morning.

GUIDELINES:
Up to 12” X 12”
Flat – no dimensional objects
Sign your name
Include anything personal: photos, stories, drawings, poems, anything you think Sam would really like

Thank you!
Neil, Margot, Sam, Andy, and Charlie
(and special thanks to Matt, Darcy, Mike, Colleen, Melissa, Meredith, Monica, Lisa, and EVERYONE that is taking charge of the All-Star Party and I apologize for leaving anyone out but it is 7:00am 🙂

Topics: Progress Reports | 7 Comments »

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