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Therapy
By Margot | August 26, 2008
Some days I feel like the Annette Benning character in American Beauty when she is chanting to herself “I will sell this house today, I will sell this house today, I will sell this house todayâ€Â as she’s furiously scrubbing the dirty counter tops and sweeping the leaves. I am sometimes gritting my teeth to say “I will remain positive and enjoy every second and help the kids enjoy every second when Sam is feeling good.â€Â As my friend and author, Laurie Ulrich, once told me when I told her that philosophy, “Yeah that’s all well and good, but it’s not very practical, you still have to go to the grocery store and do other errands and deal with real life.â€Â Â
 I just recently remembered a conversation I had long forgotten. When I was first starting out at my job, I was meeting with a computer book author team at a conference. We introduced ourselves and started talking. It came about in the conversation that one of the authors had just lost his two year-old son to a very aggressive cancer. I don’t remember what kind, it could very well have been nb. I was 25 or so at the time, not married and this was completely out of my realm of experience. I think I said how sorry I was to hear it and then probably felt at a loss as to where to go next in the conversation. Somehow we steered back to business and I was explaining the different computer book publishing contracts and what it was like to work with different companies and probably trying to be “in the know†and cool I said “and this company’s contract will want everything including your first born.â€Â  The author said “Well it’s too late for that†and then he and his friend laughed. This brave young father looked at me who was apologizing profusely, completely mortified and wishing the words back into my mouth and he said something like: “You have to laugh or you can’t take it.â€Â  I’ve been thinking that maybe laughter is the best therapy through all of this – that if you don’t laugh you will curl up and never stop crying for all of these kids.
I tried therapy once.  We were in round four of upfront chemo- a particularly toxic combination that was sure to make Sam very sick. Sam was so brave and sweet through all of it, I marvel sometimes at all he endured. We had several relatives in town from different sides of the family. Suffice it to say they weren’t getting along all that well. We had a roommate in our tiny hospital room. He was three and his mother “didn’t sleep well†on the hospital chairs so she left him at about 6pm each night. I felt terrible for the little boy and tried to share toys and food we brought for Sam with him. He liked to chew on his chemo lines and tended to get them tangled and wrapped around things so I spent a lot of time unwrapping his lines from the bed and grabbing them out of his mouth. We were arranging Sam’s Make-a-Wish at the time and before she left one night the little boy’s mother asked me what Sam wanted for his wish. I told her I wasn’t sure what he would ask for. She said, “I told my son to wish his daddy out of jail but they said they don’t grant those kinds of wishes.† Huh. While we were in the hospital my mom decided she wanted to buy us some groceries. My brother-in-law, Matt kindly offered to take her to the grocery store. As they were in the parking lot my mom started fishing through her purse for her sunglasses or something (you never know what my mom will fish out of her purse) and a mouse (swear to God) scurried up out of her purse, onto her arm and jumped off into the parking lot. My mom was very distracted and Matt said to her pointing to the mouse scurrying through the parking lot, “Was that just a mouse that jumped out of your purse?â€Â “What?â€Â my mother said spotting the mouse, “A mouse?â€Â  “Ahhhh!â€Â You have to hear my brother-in-law tell the story but apparently my mom ran screaming into the grocery store yelling at all who would listen about the mouse and the Hanta Virus and the fact that she had a grandson with cancer and she needed to wash her hands. Matt said they got her a token for the bathroom immediately and walked her there. I’m guessing that they didn’t want to hear anything about a mouse and the Hanta Virus anywhere near their grocery store. Anyway, that was the week I decided to try therapy.   At the time I was racing back from the hospital to spend a few hours with Andrew every day so that he knew he was loved and his family hadn’t disappeared. The whole time I was driving to the therapist appointment I was thinking “Why am I wasting this hour when I should be spending it with Andrew?â€Â The therapist was young, younger than I was. She was a tall thin blond girl with the kind straight hair I’d always wanted growing up. I sat down and started out with “My four year old has cancer, a bad cancer.â€Â I went through all the side effects that he would be facing, what our family was going through and ended up with the mouse jumping out of my mother’s purse.  The therapist girl looked like a deer in the headlights –totally out of her depth. Trying to stumble back into familiar territory, she looked at me after I’d finished my long litany of woes and said, “So how is your marriage?â€Â  That was the end of therapy for me. I walked out and never went back. I realized later that the best therapy that week was trying to tell my brother the mouse story but I was laughing so hard I was crying and couldn’t get it out.
The problem with going with the laughter as therapy theory is that some days I can’t find an f-ing thing funny about this disease.
Margot
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Topics: Progress Reports | 11 Comments »
August 27th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Oh Margot! You are so in tune and that in itself is so remarkable. I have a little red headed Sam and I practically cry if he gets his feelings hurt. I am quite sure I would lose my mind if in your shoes, but you are just what your little Sam needs. My youngest. a girl who is now 4 1/2 is a very trying child to say the least! She is so much work and I have often thanked The Lord she was born to me and not a mommy who did not have patience. Your Sam is so blessed with you for a mommy, and not someone who would leave him alone at the hospital all night. You don’t need therapy-you just need your little boy to be well, and for all the children fighting this disease to be well. It is not enough that you have your own heartache and worries for you son, you are feeling the hurt of so many others. It’s just too much! Woman to woman I wish I could shoulder some of it for you. Bless your heart-you are truly amazing!
With hope
Shea
August 27th, 2008 at 2:11 am
ohmygoodness….you are so right, it is so not funny. but what are you supposed to do, just the injustice of it all could drive us all crazy. i am praying for sam, max, erin, will….why is the list so very long?
August 27th, 2008 at 3:26 am
OMG Margot…I so needed this. Thank you. Thank you. And while I haven’t found a thing funny about this day…today…I just laughed out loud at your Mom’s mouse story. I will continue to try and laugh a little with each day, as I follow in Max’s journey.
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs,
Deb
August 27th, 2008 at 3:28 am
whoa Margot–this really hits home friend.
You say it girl.
You have a GIFT, please keep telling how it is for the rest of us…you are an INCREDIBLE MOM!!!
Sam and company are indeed blessed beyond measure.
Always always praying for your brave boy.
August 27th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
have i told you lately how much you inspire me? your entire family is amazing. i have known you and your family my whole life (perhaps that is why i found it funny but not that strange for your mom to have a mouse in her purse) and you make me stop and think and put it all in perspective. so thank you for that.
Sam, Andy and Charlie are the luckiest boys in the world to have you as their mommy.
and you are so right – sometimes you just have to laugh when it all seems so unfair.
Sam and all the other kids with this disease are always in my thoughts.
– Nicole
August 27th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Oh my dear Marg, how I love you so for your ability to live through these ups and downs, ins and outs that have been your life since January 2005 and share it for others’ benefit. You and Neil have been a remarkable team (his mission to find a cure is so full of love and commitment). Your children are so beautiful and blessed to have such caring parents who put their kids first. Just wish I could be there to help out more. The world should know that before Sam was born, during a visit I found you lying on the bed reading to Sam in the womb. I was awe struck and knew then that my grandchild was in good hands. You haven’t stopped reading yet.
NB is a horrible disease and we will never know why Sam became ill. So many have suffered so much – all those beautiful little children who should be playing and happy. I thank God for the beautiful summer Sam has spent doing what a 7 going on 8 boy does everyday. He didn’t miss out on anything. You have been a blessing to a lot of the nb families. You are giving people more help with your writing and your tales of human nature so that they know they are not alone in the struggle. Keep it up.
Love to all, the other grandma.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:42 am
I tried therapy once. I think after telling me for almost 15 minutes of our one hour session,about how her daughter’s car got broken into the night before, she went on to suggest I put up a star chart for Hans…
Just wanted to post a comment to let you know that I found out thruErin B.’s website that I heard that all of our kids are scanning today (my bday) -so my bday wish is for stable scans all around, tho Ido prefer these stinkin tumors to do a disappearing act…
Lara
August 29th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Margot,
Once again you have left me speechless and inspired.
May your day be filled with laughter and love… all weekend long !
That is my sincere wish for you!
love, Colleen
August 30th, 2008 at 2:22 am
Hi Margot-cute story-keep on laughing and crying as much as you can. As a licensed clinical social worker, I can tell you that therapy can be helpful if you find the right one. I can give you referrals if you need it(ones that I think are absoultely amazing) . Until then I think this blog is very therapeutic to you. I am so amazed by you, Neil and the boys on a daily basis. I keep Sam in my prayers every morning. Hope to see you in school next Tuesday with your entourage. Angela Rowe, Madison’s Mom
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Amen….amen….amen,Margot.And,the Mikulaks do apply that
therapy very well!
Max’s Papa
September 4th, 2008 at 2:15 am
Margot,
I keep up-to-date with you all and although I don’t know you all personally, I pray and think of you all often. I was telling my husband about Max today and how sorry I was for his family at the loss they have endured. My husband was like why are you on these sites reading about all this sadness. I explained to him today that you and your children all inspire me. You inspire me to be a better person, to see the good in life, to not sweat the small stuff, to put it in perspective and to appreciate all the people in my life. I think and pray for you all often. “Everyday is a Gift”
God Bless,
Chrisi