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Pics
By Margot | July 27, 2010
Grandpa and Charlie on the Tractor
boys in NM
Boys with the hot air balloons
Charlie Brushing Cash the horse
Andy leading Cash The Horse
Some of the gang on Sam's birthday
Boys watching the balloons for Sam float into the sky
Andy Luke Grant and Charlie (Sam's birthday)
Charlie and MacK
Sharks and Minnows in the Pool
Neil, the shark with group after sharks and minnows
Sam's birthday two years ago
So, thought I’d catch you up with some pics. The boys are doing well.  They both had a great time in New Mexico, rafting, riding horses, camping and fishing (they both caught fish) and though their tethered balloon ride was cancelled because of the wind they got to see a lot of balloons go up. We had the first nice day of summer on Sam’s birthday.  Andy is going from sport to sport. Had baseball camp with Luke last week and has soccer camp this week and then is going to basketball this afternoon.  He did really well in his basketball game last week and for now anyway basketball seems to be the sport of choice. We’ll see after a week of soccer camp. He really seems to be thriving and blossoming. He’s stopped a lot of his nervous tics.  I read in one of the bazillions of grief books I read that sometimes with siblings along with the sadness and grief comes a sense of relief.   Don’t take that the wrong way, I think it has less to do with Sam then with a total change of lifestyle. Andy suddenly has a normal life.  Life without Sam is hard for all of us. Life without cancer is easy. And therein lies the rub - and what a rub it is.  I know that Andy misses Sam tremedously and I see it at the summer parties when he is without his wingman.  Charlie is doing well. He’s wants to do everything Andrew does and is young wingman in trianing.  He is so excited for his 4th birthday coming up. He asks everyday if it is his birthday so I’d better get on the stick and start planning. Can you guess the theme? It has to do with a certain NBA Championship team.
Neil and I have been doing all right, working, parenting, loving the boys.  I keep making email plans for coffee with my friend Joanne at the hospital but then not following through. I had to break the hospital seal two weeks ago and take the boys to their dentist whose office is at Children’s Hospital. I stayed far away from the oncology wing but even pulling into the dentist parking lot nearly gave me a panic attack.  We didn’t have our regular dentist so the other dentist asked me how Sam was. Ugh.  I read on Will Lacey’s site that they had a session on PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) for cancer parents and I can sort of see that. On wikipedia the third symptom reads as follows:Â
C: Persistent avoidance and emotional numbing
This involves a sufficient level of:
- avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, such as certain thoughts or feelings, or talking about the event(s);
- avoidance of behaviors, places, or people that might lead to distressing memories;
The thing is there are so many good memories of Sam and he is so worth remembering - every single bit of him that I don’t want to avoid it.  I remember trying to brand the feeling of holding him into my brain. I wish there was more of him I’d branded into my brain.  Enough rambling. Probably none of this makes any sense or comes to a point. We are actually doing better 4 1/2 months later so no need to think I’ve gone around the bend.  Just miss our Sam.   We are truly enjoying Andy and Charlie though. Neil’s birthday and our anniversary is coming up this weekend. Last year we spent it in the hopsital. Happy Birthday and Anniversary to my amazing husband.
Margot
Topics: Progress Reports | 16 Comments »
July 28th, 2010 at 12:27 am
Ah Margot, it makes perfect sense…I’ve thought along these lines myself…our life is technically so much easier without cancer in it…but oh the saddness of that….because that means our baby is gone…and what we wouldn’t give to have them back…
I think about you guys constantly…how we are walking such similiar roads….well, really really similiar….and how I hurt for you all just as much as I hurt for us….but also get great comfort in how you are surviving and still loving life just as we are trying to do….
with love,
rhonda dudley
July 28th, 2010 at 1:00 am
Thinking of you guys and Sam all the time. I have an article somewhere on PTSD in cancer parents from CHop- Ill see if I can dig it up and send it your way. You are always in our thoughts-
Carrie & Jeff
July 28th, 2010 at 1:09 am
Hi Margs-
Rolling through the pictures I kept on thinking the next one will be of Sam but it was of Sam’s friends and Andy
So the next one will be..
Anyhow, I paused and started over. Looked again- it seemed to me that every picture included Sam-Andy will never be without Sam as the two were inseparable. Charlie will never be without Sam-I knew this three years ago when Sam used to trip Charlie in the front room..Charlie would get up and go after Sam with his patented smile…
Then the pictures of sharks and minnows and I knew that Redman was going to be the shark and then next picture, surrounded by kids, was Redman…Red, always including every kid, borne from being excluded as a kid; from this childhood pain came the tempered Red we know and love.
And then the picture of Sam-smiling so…he must be proud of his brothers and happy for them.
Reading your writing I see Sam too. During the long battle, when I would visit, I would study Sam and wonder what he was thinking. I was always surprised at how in the moment his thinking was and it seemed that he never complained about the pain or the inconvenience; he just wanted to be in the moment. To watch Sam play chess was to know the true Sam..he held up every move and considered every alternative..a kids version of a “what if” excel spreadsheet. Your post today of Sam and how you see everything now in a different light and how you stop and look at everything in the moment and in context of Sam so reminds me of Sam holding up the bishop and thinking about Andy’s opposing move.
Sam is in you, too.
In Redman I see the noble Sam-the fighter. You may not know this about Red but he was a terrific wrestler. We wrestled on the same team together and he wasnt the strongest or the most gifted but he was tenacious. I remember watching Red wrestle or training with him – that when he got knocked down he always came up fast and attacked. He never just got back up and waited. I remember this as clearly as if this all happened this morning. Sam did this too; how many times was judgment passed and then three weeks later Sam was out the door and playing ball? Get up. And Fast! Sam must have learned this from Red.
Sam is in every picture and in everyone that he touched.
The only question that is relevant to anyone is where is Sam? Is he in heaven? I believe he is but what I know for sure is that Sam is in everyone he touched and it is up to us to carry Sam’s life with us.
Thinking now about A River Runs Through It and Norm’s closing prayer which I never understood until now – I always knew it was important so I kept it with me and thanks to Sam I see it. Norm’s prayer is about being old and having lost his brother and how he kept fly fishing- he wrote in his final prayer “I often do not start fishing until the cool of the evening-and as the sunlight dims all existence fades to a being with my soul and memories and the sounds of the Big Blackfoot River. Eventually, everything merges into one, and a river cuts through it. The river was cut by the world’s greatest flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. Under the rocks are words and some of the words are theirs”
In honoring the memory of his family and his life Norm knew what we all know about Sam. Sam is here, now. In each and every one of us. Right now, here!
Om Mani Padme Hung.
July 28th, 2010 at 2:53 am
Happy Anniversary and Happy Bday to Neil. It is ok to celebrate and have some fun. I do think the PTSD and cancer parenting is true. I actually did some research when I read it on the Lacey website. I am looking into if some brief EMDR therapy is helpful for cancer parenting and grief. I have more research to do THinking of you. Angela (Madison’s Mom)
July 28th, 2010 at 3:51 am
Great Pics, thinking of Sam:)
July 28th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Happy Birthday & Anniversary to Neil!
July 28th, 2010 at 6:49 pm
Happy Birthday Neil and Happy Anniversary to you both! We had a great time with you and the boys in NM. Hope to see you again this winter maybe. Thinking of you and always sending our love.
Nicole
July 28th, 2010 at 6:56 pm
Sam is so much to so many people, including his daily reminder of how life can be so sweet, so amazing, so joyful, so sad, so painful, such a paradox. Tom is right, when I look at the photos or even when I’m with you in person – I see Sam in each one of you Hutchisons. I remember so vividly when that snapshot was taken at Sam’s laser tag b-day two years ago — man, he was having a blast! You sure made everyday, not only birthdays, special and fun. Happy b-day to Neil and to Uncle Matt, and happy anniversary to a couple that has certainly experienced so much together – I wish you as much joy as I see on Sam’s face in that photo! Lisa
July 29th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Happy Birthday Neil.
Happy Anniversary!
Lara
August 1st, 2010 at 3:24 am
Happy Anniversary to both of you!
May you feel the love of others surround you as you did on your wedding day!
Happy Birthday to my fellow Leo, Neil!
Remember, my sister Kathy’s bday is the third, so it makes me smile thinking of two of my favorite people celebrating bdays one day apart!
Loved all of the photos….. I think Charlie and Andy could move to a dude ranch and fit right in!!!
Smiling Sam……. a wonderful memory of him! Thank you for sharing!
love, Colleen
August 1st, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Margs and Red-
12 years now…today…happy anniversary.
grab your kids and each other and head to Kate Sessions and celebrate Sam and your life together..
Be strong and find some peace.
T
August 1st, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Happy Birthday Sam…….Hey! Andy Charlie and Margot, how ya doing?
Neil,
I always remembered it as “Minnows and Whales”
August 1st, 2010 at 5:19 pm
Ok, reading back, looks like I am just in time for an anniversary, Happy Anniversary Margo & Neil!
August 1st, 2010 at 5:34 pm
Talking to Joan who is in the hospital for at least a few more days with a bad infection and we were discussing some pretty big issues-
What kind of God would shower such misery on a then 3 year old boy?
How do we know he is in heaven?
Joan, despite her Archie Bunker moments, came up with a few thoughts and these are good to share-
She has no answer on why Sam had this punishment on earth but she feels that Sam is in heaven and Sam is expecting all of us to double down to get there at some point to be with him. Basically, we need faith in the belief that Sam is surrounded now with other family members and friends and we should do our damndest to be eligible to be with him. Our only hope is in our faith and this dovetails with our best hope for Sam-that he is at peace, in heaven and kicking the futbol.
Words from Joan who spends her time thinking of these ideas and issues…
August 3rd, 2010 at 3:42 am
Hi, i’m sorry i haven’t posted a comment in a while.I’ve been so busy with soccer,camp,beach.But it doesn’t mean i haven’t been thinking of u.Today i found a birthday card Sam gave me for my 10th birthday and when u open it,it sings “Celebrate Good Times”.Amanda kept opening and closing it so it said,”Cele,Cele,Cele,Cele,Celebrate good times c’mon!”I was laughing and it made me think of Sam.
Angel Sam’s Buddy,
blake
August 4th, 2010 at 2:15 am
Dear Margot, I think of you guys all the time. Your words are not ramblings and they do come to a point. a very sharp one that I totally get. Its so funny that I checked in on your site tonight. i posted on Melina earlier today about some of the same things you spoke of in yours. This road we travel is so hard with no end in sight. I guess we just have to keep moving forward and see where it takes us. I know Melina would be telling me to suck it up and get going. so thats what I try to do.
much love
Lisa