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Fragile
By Margot | April 26, 2010
We are doing all right. The boys are keeping us going. Andy has had basketball and soccer and playdates and has started the chess club and Charlie has had swimming and scooter playdates with Jett where they ride their new spark scooters (scooters that actually throw out sparks when you hit the brakes -great for fire prone California). Friday was Brazilian culture night at our school and the boys watched about ten to fifteen minutes of the show and then ran out to play four square -not sure much culture was absorbed but Uncle Matt learned how to play four square. Neil and I actually went out on a date night last night with Meredith and Ron and Lisa and Kurt and we had a good time with a lot of laughs.    Charlie and Andy keep me laughing too. They are both doing very well and are busy boys. Charlie had his parents night at school and brought his football with him and played football with his buddies on the playground.  I have been running and going to a bootcamp that’s been fun.  I’m not sure I qualify as a fittness fanatic yet but I am getting out there.
Uncle Matt and Charlie and Andy and I  went to SeaWorld today before soccer for our friend Trevor’s birthday today and the tears started the minute I pulled out all of the passes and Sam’s was with them. I was glad I was wearing my new sunglasses (which Neil says make me look like an insect because they are so huge on my face) and I learned that there isn’t an entire gift shop in all of Sea World that sells kleenex (Grandma Joan I was wishing you were with me). Sam spent a lot of hours at SeaWorld and everything seemed to remind me of him - but after my initial panic I had a good time with Charlie and Andy. We went on shipwreck rapids and we all got soaked and laughed a lot and the boys loved the SeaLion show -the only rough patch for me was when they had a high school musical song that reminded me of Sam and again sunglasses came in handy.
I have learned from the grief books that there are five stages of grief and from one grief book that there are five different types of grievers (not sure that I buy that one since Neil and I seem to embody all five descriptions at different moments), I have learned that everyone grieves differently and mostly I have learned that grief books don’t help worth a damn. I think I already posted that a couple of posts ago but I can’t seem to stop my compulsive habit of running to the bookstore to find information. Somehow maybe if I study it enough I’ll become good at it, which is such a laugh.  I read Rhonda’s post today https://www.carepages.com/carepages/Sydneymarie and she was in a very scary situation and her panic so resonated with me. The nightmares that I’ve had since Sam died are about Charlie and Andy dying and when Charlie ran into the fire hydrant that Sunday after Sam died, I kept telling him to breathe, just breathe, though he was clearly breathing. Life seems so fragile all of the sudden. I was always the mother who said, “Oh let them try it, they’ll be fine.”
So as not to end on such a sad note, we are off to Disneyland tomorrow for a night at the hotel and a day at the park (Thank you Waterside and Bill) and the kids are looking forward to it, though Charlie is worried that it’s going to be too babyish for him (you know he’s already three and a half). The other day in the car he said, “Mom, what are we listening to Lady Gaga for, she’s terrible.” I honestly didn’t know who was on the radio but my three and a half year old did. Andy’s influence of course.   Group grief counseling starts first week of May and I’ve called a couple of different one on one counselors for the boys. Thanks for checking in on us. Neil is making headway on the family videos and I hope to have some more up on YouTube and I’m hoping to get the slideshow up there too.
Margot
Topics: Progress Reports | 15 Comments »
April 26th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
I think about each of you every day and was so glad to hear Neil’s voice on the phone yesterday. You sound like you are in a healthy place right now, tears and sunglasses included. Try to be gentle with yourself and with each other.
Call any time.
Vickie
April 26th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Fragile but moving forward.
Thinking of the last Rocky movie “Rocky Balboa”-
Life will knock you down and the mind’s concentration on the knock down will eat you up if you let it;
“it isnt about the hit it is about getting up and moving forward-you gotta keep moving forward” is the plot-a tough story about life.
Redemption by moving forward-the whole Rocky family-Adrian’s brother, Adrian’s son, Adrian’s husband suffering in silence and in voice and in action.
A great movie about grace-
A movie about reaching out to those who need a hand.
But the plot is about redemption by moving forward.
Maybe it is just a movie and a Rocky one at that but it exemplifies the human spirit coming to an understanding and moving forward.
Screw those books on grief; I probably read most of them and there is no payback in concentrating on what is incomprehensible-ya gotta keep moving forward.
Which brings me to another of Sam’s lessons-Sam taught me something that I may not have shared with you-we were at your place in Nov of 07 and Sam was sick from the meds-and Damn if Sam didnt lead the charge-“Lets go to the zoo” and you and Red were damn tired and weary and had the weight of the world trapped in your mind; you were immobile-you had the two younger kids trying to be functional in a house shaped by the cancer fight; you had no idea of where to go next (Sloane or Chop or ?; you were so damn scared you couldnt move. Could Sam handle the zoo?
But Sam knew what to do-he wanted in the game. The zoo it was; we all loaded up and got there and the kids ran and Sam ran too until he vomited everywhere and all over himself-but he shook it off and Redman, my brother, you carried your boy through the zoo and to the car and home. But Sam was smiling and he took a minute to antagonize Andy before Neil carried him to bed-
Sam knew what the books wont tell you.
Ya gotta keep moving forward.
Thank you Sam and may all of us, especially your blood, keep moving forward.
April 26th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
Admiring your family from afar…I watched Sam’s tribute/celebration on Youtube; it is touching beyond words. It made me smile when Andy proudly stated, “I’m Sam’s brother.” Sam has touched countless lives. Just wanted to send my love and support.
April 26th, 2010 at 8:45 pm
I think about you all every day. Hugs and kisses to all of you. Enjoy Disneyland
April 26th, 2010 at 11:08 pm
Thinking of you guys alot lately. So glad you are getting out there. I am still so sad for you guys. Lots of loving thoughts! Angela (Madison’s Mom)
April 26th, 2010 at 11:29 pm
You have been an inspiration to so many people and your honesty in face of overwhelming saddness is much appreicated. You have even more folks rooting for you than you know. The sales of spinning fiber raised $575 for MagicWater and many of the people on Ravelry (a yarnies site) and etsy (the site for handcrafted items) have asked me to post their hugs and good wishes.
Sammy has touched many lives and to honor him, you need to continue to live your lives to the fullest–and I am sure you will.
Much love.
–Sherry
April 27th, 2010 at 2:11 am
Oh Margot, I wish I had been there with clean paper hankies. I miss you all. Thoughts of Sam race thru my mind everyday, starting each day by praying to our angel/saint to watch from heaven so that all his family has a peaceful and happy day.
Love to Neil, Andy and Charlie – and I hope you all had a blast at Disney.
April 27th, 2010 at 4:19 am
Although I’ve been following your blog for months from time to time (I’m a friend of Sara) this is my first comment.
I send you my care and appreciation, feeling sorrow and gladness mixed together, wishing you all the very best in life.
–Avery (in Albuquerque)
April 27th, 2010 at 6:29 am
You are so right about those books on grief. I am a hospice nurse and attempt to educate my patient’s families on death and dying. I try to teach them new coping skills and help strengthen to old ones. I try to lead them gently from denial to acceptance. I allow them to express themselves and even take their anger out on me and let them know I understand and take no offense. Then I watch as they finally let go. But, all this stuff just does not apply to me. Who thought they were the experts and wrote all this stuff? Every single person who has lost someone they love reacts and copes differently. I love Sam and my coping skills are not worth a damn. I am still crying my eyes out, so I know your grief is next to unbearable. I love all of you guys and I pray that each day will be a little easier than the day before.
April 27th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
what an accurate post title… fragile… yes, so very!
unfortunately, you and Neil understand this all too well… yet, through it all, what you know and feel in your heart, is Sam’s love. Jogging, on date night, at the school event, at Seaworld, Disneyland… Sam’s spirit is shining through, gently guiding you
through the torturous pain and sadness. Your courage during his illness, became his courage to handle his life and be happy… now his courage seeps back into you …
thinking of you and Neil daily, praying for you always,
Colleen
April 27th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
Have been sorrowing with you from ABQ… I hesitate to say anything about a book given your experience, but poetry may express what prose cannot. There’s a new anthology out by poet Kevin Young: The Art of Losing: Poems of Grief and Healing. There was a story about it this morning on NPR’s Morning Edition (see link below, which also links to Young reading some of the poems)
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126282089
Thinking of you and all those in the NB family who are grieving. My heart is with you. Jan
April 27th, 2010 at 11:18 pm
Wishing you speed from “Sam would have loved this” sadness to “Sam DID love this” peace. You all went to the moon and back to help Sam beat cancer AND to make sure his life was filled with as much love and fun as absolutely possible.
Thinking of you all and sending you love,
former-neighbor Deborah
May 1st, 2010 at 2:16 am
Just thinking of you guys and Sam and know that many from far away are pulling for you and sending strength and prayers your way.
May 3rd, 2010 at 12:47 am
Thinking of all of you.
May 14th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Checking as I always do. Thinking of you guys. Angela (Madison’s Mom)