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Four Weeks
By Margot | April 9, 2010
Today marks four weeks. I spent the morning in tears re-reading my black journal. I call it my black journal because it is black but also because it contains my very first entries after Sam was diagnosed and it is crushingly sad and it made me cry my eyes out. Why would I do this to myself? I don’t actually know but I keep going back to what if Sam never had cancer? What would he be like? Neil keeps trying to figure out if we had tried a different treatment path would things have turned out differently. Â
For the most part though, I am doing better than I thought I would be.  I am not curled up in a ball with the curtains drawn. I thought that is how I would be and everyone keeps telling me how well I am doing which makes me wonder why I am not under the covers with the curtains drawn (though I suspect the reasons are Andrew and Charlie). I am getting up, getting the kids to school, the skate park, friends houses etc., unless I am in the car listening to country music or I have to actually say out loud to someone (the lady at the beauty supply place, who knows our family but not well enough to know that Sam had died, whose day I ruined on Wednesday) then I’m holding it together all right.  Neil is starting to put our family videos on CD and we watched Sam during a basketball game two summers ago. He was so happy after he made a basket and had such a funny celebratory face when he ran back down the court, it was such a Sam moment it made us both smile. It is going to be good and painful to delve into those videos. By the way, I know we owe photos and videos. Uncle Matt and I are going to try and get a YouTube spot for Sam up so Sam fans can spend lots of time looking at the slide show we put together for the All Star party, listening to the wonderful speeches people gave of Sam and looking at Sam videos when we get them going. At the rate we’ve been moving though I’m not sure when that will all happen.Â
After wallowing for a while this morning,  I worked for a couple of hours and then I went out and bought some new running shoes because I figure with all my new “free time” I should become a fitness fanatic.  Not only because I have more time but also because I keep hearing my grandmother’s words to me when I was in my twenties and in relatively good shape, “Sure you’re skinny now, Margie, but wait until you hit 40, blub blub blub.”  Nice huh? Since 4o is exactly two months away and I’m going to turn 40 without Sam turning 10 (he always knew my age even when he was really little because he knew when he was two, I was thirty-two), that I may as well try not to add to the misery with the blub blub blub factor.  We’ll see how that works out since I haven’t really done anything that counts as exercise for the past four months though I’ve gotten dressed to exercise if that counts.   Anyway, a word about all the free time. It’s not actually a lot of time. It’s the same amount of time any working mom with kids has, but because we were always going 200 miles an hour running from place to place, hospital to school to preschool to practice to hospital to audiologist, to soccer, to pick up Andrew, to pick up Sam, to pick up Charlie, checking email, writing emails, reading contracts, making work calls in the hospital hallway… Now it feels like this enormous chunk of time is opened up and life is free and easy. The only problem with the free and easy life is that it totally sucks without Sam and I would rather have my hair-on-fire life back if I could just hear him laughing at his brothers and demanding that I read. I keep trying desperately to fill that time void with as many activities as possible because, well I don’t actually know why, probably because it will keep me distracted. The time phenomenon is similar to the chaos phenomenon. Neil said the other day he misses the chaos which is funny because Charlie and Andy provide plenty of chaos themselves but because we have less chaos than we did when we had Sam in the fray adding to the excitement and the “who can push whose buttons” factor, it seems that we have no chaos.
Andy had his Camp Erin interview on Monday night and he is really excited about it. He is such an adventurous guy. While we were at the meeting we signed the whole family up for counseling and Neil and up for a thing just for parents. We are sneaking Charlie in for the group therapy a little early, he is supposed to be 4 but he passes for six. He sometimes says, “I miss Sam” and then we talk about heaven for a while. He has a stuffed dog that he named Sam that he takes places with his other stuffed dog that he named Rosco.   I’ll let you know if counseling is more helpful than grief books (though I’m reading Making Toast (just out) now that seems to be pretty good so far). Â
Margot
Topics: Progress Reports | 19 Comments »
April 9th, 2010 at 9:01 pm
marg’s-when i fell down 4 years ago and was lying motionless, redman took the time to fly into detroit, tell me that i was a fat pig and told me to”get some running shoes, join a running group, lose the weight, get mentally tough again and find a hot babe”…so red knows too that excercise excites all the right hormones like endorphins, helps with anxiety, etc…
Probably better than counseling but what do I know…
A friend of mine, after losing his daughter, once remarked to me that “crawl walk run” was his expectation and he was on walk…so skip it all and get to run…
Sam is in a better place and every moment should be measured against what Sam would want..and he would want you, his favorite person in the entire world, to get in the Game.
Sam always wanted to be in the Game.
Dont focus on the past, focus on the present moment…
Start right now..
I love the San Diego Hutchison’s-Sam, Charlie, Andy, Marg and Redman..
T
April 9th, 2010 at 10:47 pm
What exactly are you made of? It’s gotta be something I’ve never heard of before. You have so much insight into yourself and so much awareness of your brand new world. Back when I used to golf with Neil (and before I knew what his real name was), I wondered how any woman could keep up with him. I still don’t know how you do it, but I see why and I see the powerful result.
You guys were special before Sam. You stepped up your game with Sam. Now y’all are strictly a force to be reckoned with. Andy and Charlie are being raised by the best parents ever!
April 10th, 2010 at 2:06 am
Hi.
Don’t feel bad,we all miss Sam.You have the right to feel sad,but you gotta rally when Andy yells,”MOM!!I’m gonna be late for soccer!!”Sam will always be with us: on the soccer field
on the 4-square court
on the basketball court
on my next visit to Taco Bell
Angel Sam’s buddy,
blake
April 10th, 2010 at 2:36 am
Hang in there- you just put one put foot in front of another. Know that no one grieves the same way. You are exactly where you need to be… Lots of Love and good thoughts- Angela (Madison’s Mom)
April 10th, 2010 at 5:29 am
I think of Team Sam everyday…. there is not better place than with you and Neil… I admit… I am mad… I wanted to meet Sam… introduce Alex… I am not in the same place as a parent… just have so many friends who are…. I cannot think of a better family, a better team of advocates, a better school of researchers fighting for Sam… and his friends, known or yet to be known. Hold fast to Sam’s incredible love of life as you navigate this BS… What gifts Charlie and Andy are… Sam knows… give’em a little Sam! Everyday… all day! Ann
April 10th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
Neil,
I *know* you were brilliant in figuring out so many treatments to extend Sam’s happy life…and I think I only know the half of it. You found a way to get extra years to spend with wonderful Sam on earth, and enabled his brothers to get to know him and remember him forever – a true gift.
L,
Meryl
April 11th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
@Margot- hey now!!! I disagree on the “I havent really done anything that counts as exercise” line. You are kicking my butt walking up Mt. Soledad (pushing a 60lb stroller with 3yo Charlie in his 6yo body) while I tote nothing more than a water bottle. And I know everyone would agree you are the least flabby person I know! 🙂 But, yes, exercize allows for perspective. It is a great tool for figuring things out.
It is amazing to me just how differently people grieve. Even though your methods of coping, and path may seem different, in your hearts you are both still feeling the same pain. A very good friend once reminded me that ‘grief is not an affliction that you can cure’ it remians with you in different forms, and is a process. I am sure she read it somewhere, but it fits.
Love you guys – I am always herefor you all. 🙂
April 11th, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Dear Margot, we are so happy you and Andy and Charlie made it to Grant’s birthday party. The best part was seeing you and your boys smile, and of course, Andy as a big rabbit! That magician really was magic for picking Andy to help him out, he just lit up. When we went to Sam’s church service, afterwards Neil said to me that everyday is a mountain of sadness that you all need to replace with a mountain of fun and happiness for Andy and Charlie, just keep climbing up that mountain…you are in our thoughts everyday. Love, the Healey family
April 12th, 2010 at 2:45 am
Margot – What an incredible writer you are! Your ability to share your thoughts and emotions so beautifully on the page are such a gift and a continuing tribute to Sam and your entire special family. You are all in my thoughts and prayers daily. One day at a time….
Mindy
April 12th, 2010 at 4:25 am
Margot,
I’ve thanked you before and I’m going to thank you again for sharing your pain and your joy over the years… and for giving us a window into your lives, especially those of us who live far away and wonder every day how you and Neil and the boys are doing…
I am praying for strength and hope for easier days ahead…
XXOO,
Colleen
April 12th, 2010 at 5:46 am
Thinking of Team Sam and praying for everyone. One moment at a time is all you can ask of yourselves. God Bless, Love, Ellen
April 12th, 2010 at 5:12 pm
“Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” ~ Author Unknown
I am sure that Sam is orchestrating every star in the sky to shine down upon his loved ones in a beautiful symphony of love just as you, Neil, Andy and Charlie will live hearing and living the sweet music of Sam forever. There can be no right or wrong way to mourn this loss – whether it be with a run or a cry, both of which are exhausting, do what feels right.
I check your website wanting to know how you are, though I already know. Just know that there are so many of us out here thinking of you, praying for you, and truly wanting to know how you are. Whether the curtains are drawn or your hair is on fire, we want to know and we care.
With much love and friendship,
Sarah
CB: visit/jackbartosz
April 12th, 2010 at 5:57 pm
Margot,
You are not curled up in a ball with the curtains drawn because that is NOT what Sam would have wanted. Sam would have been telling you to get back in the game. Anyone who looks at Sam’s pictures can tell that Sam did a lot of living and a lot of laughing. There is nothing you could have done to change the fact that Sam had cancer, but you did change how he lived his life with it. Take comfort that you and Neil did everything you possibly could and it showed. Sam was truly happy. His smile lights up every picture. I know that Sam is watching over you and he would insist that you keep trudging on and keep remembering all the good things that you wouldn’t change- with or without cancer.
April 12th, 2010 at 9:43 pm
I can’t believe it’s been one whole week since Sam’s Celebration.
Sam is so much a part of his friend’s lives. It was an amazing testament to his super-power to hear from his peers. Your whole family has an amazing community as well.
Please shout at me when you want to “shout”. When things get quiet, that doesn’t mean the love for your family is any less loud. I hope to remain one of your friends.
thinking about Sam and you guys all the time.
Scott
NYC
April 14th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
Hey Marg,
Although all of us here read the site all the time, I rarely submit any comments, preferring instead to pick up the phone or shoot you an email. But reading your “Four Weeks” posting and then all of the above comments just made me want to add….something.
I guess, like everyone else, I marvel at just how beautiful you are; how amazingly thoughtful, considerate, loving, patient, funny and intelligent you always manage to be. What a wonderful Mother, wife,friend, daughter and sister you are.
I hate hearing – feeling (because you write so well) – how much pain you are feeling. Of course we talk and think of you, Neil, Andy and Charlie; but you are my sister and it breaks my heart to know and feel even a tiny portion of the pain and loss you are swimming through every day.
Reading everyone else’s comments, I LOVE the fact that it is obvious to anyone who knows you – whether as a close friend or even just as someone who has followed Team Sam (for whatever reason or connection) – what a truly amazing person you are. And, importantly, it is also obvious that everyone has been awestruck by you as a Mom -to Sam, yes, but also to Andy & Charlie.
Marg, I don’t have any answers to offer to you or to Neil, but clearly this is why Andy & Charlie are indeed keeping you away from a curled up position with the curtains drawn. Your welspring of love for those boys remains astoundingly infinite and perpetual.
Sam got to have that for 9 plus years – and he still gets to feel it.
Run when you can and when you want to; just don’t do a Forrest Gump and start traversing the continent!
You’re the best Marg, keep breathing.
Love,
Paul
April 16th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
Dear Marg,
Ive been wanting to write on this post for 3 days now, and after reading Paul’s beautiful post; I’m inspired! After reading Vickie’s blog and Pat Lacy’s blog about the marathon in Vermont;I’m glad you are taking “action” Maybe you,Neil,Andy and Charlie can run in a marathon to help raise money for research for a cure for neuroblastoma on the west coast S.D. to be specific! Yes, you can run,Marg; and so can Neil; (I remember you two running before Sam was born). Andy is really fast(I’ve seen him in soccer games and on the tennis court)(don’t know about Charlie,yet,but;I know, he is a good swimmer at age 3) I can’t imagine the pain of loss and grieving for Sam that you are going through as his mother&Neil as his father; I am grieving as his grandmother— Maybe, you can become the “Family Fast” to honor “the Fastest Angel” in heaven! You are so lucky; you even have a beach to run on! Anyway, darling,I’m so glad you’re not curled up in a ball with the curtains drawn! ( Even If it is because of Andy & Charlie) Maybe, just maybe, you can get back the “old Marg” with her “hair on fire as you run like the wind! Taking action! You & Neil did “so much” for finding & funding various trials for curing and treating this evil insidious cancer! Find the energy again & RUN FOR A CURE! (Just an idea!)
I love “yuall” so much. Am now going out for a walk with “Latte” it’s early morning here; and I love the park seeing other people running ,walking their dogs and all of us “getting high on endorphins entering our brains” I, wish you many endorphins as you are running in your “new shoes” Wear them out; so you can buy new ones as Sam would have loved you to do! Remember Sam,”the Fastest Angel in Heaven! as you run!
Much love, Mom,”Grandma Sara”
P.S. When is the “utube” ‘coming out of Sam’s “Allstar” memorial coming out? I would love to see it! Mom
April 16th, 2010 at 1:49 pm
Red and Marg’s-sending warm brotherly love and reminding you that we dont have the answers to the incomprehensible. All we have is right now to celebrate living. Grab some running shoes and each others hand and turn towards each other – Sam would love to know that his wonderful mom and dad are in the game and moving forward.
The facts are awful on the collateral damage in a family and marriage when a child is lost to cancer. Dont be that fact. Acknowledge the fact is out there and fight like hell that cancer will not take any more from your family.
Being simple minded I use simple tricks to help me work out of the wrong mind set. When I find myself focused on a loss I sit back and say what good will come from this investment in my limited time. I breathe it in and accept my responsibility and then I remember Sancho Panza’s last advice in Don Quixote:
“Look, get up out of bed (misery) and let’s go to the country dressed as herders the way we decided(way back in August of 1998). Maybe we will find Lady Dulcinea (the joy of life) if we will just go look”.
Red and Margs and Andy and Charlie-Go look for joy and peace and pay your debt to Sam over time by good deeds and good thoughts.
Go Look.
Sending warm Get In The Game thoughts.
Tom
April 16th, 2010 at 10:04 pm
I picture Sam running in heaven with all of his buddies. Playing four square, soccer, skate boarding and feeling healthy. I for one know that Sam is doing OK. In my heart I know that but I miss him at Pacific Pines. I miss hearing him playing with Andy and Charlie.I miss all the giggles and the laughter.I miss the crashes. I miss him telling his brothers what to do. I miss him comforting them when they got hurt. I miss the sound of the pool gate vibrating when they ran their scooters into it laughing. In all the years past spring brought the Hutchinson brothers outside. Shooting baskets. Chalk drawings.
Climbing trees. Noise. Laughter. Life.I miss the past.I look to the other side of the complex and see Andy and Charlie and for a split second I look for Sam. Then I remember.
But there are times I feel Sam’s presence at Pacific Pines. When we go sit in the jacuzzi there is a little bird with a red head that sits on the branches of the tree behind The Adam’s patio. The little bird talks to me. He sings beautiful songs. He looks at me as if to say
“It’s me Sam.” The first time Greg heard me say “Hi Sam” he asked me “What did you say?”
I told him to listen to the bird talk to us. Look at his red head. Watch how long he will sit there and sing for us. I said “It’s just Sam visiting again”. I love going to the jacuzzi when Sam comes to visit. Sometimes we shed a few tears remembering Sam and feeling sad but I feel Sam’s presence around Pacific Pines often. And that makes me happy. Thanks Sam for letting me know that you are doing fine in heaven. Thanks for coming to visit and watching over us. We miss you often and think of you everyday.
April 17th, 2010 at 12:45 am
Margot:
I know what you mean about the “free time”…it is really about the “new normal”. It might feel like you have to come up with something meaningful or productive to do with your time, but you don’t. The distraction of your boys is a blessing (Im sure in disguise sometimes), running, being with friends, working, daydreaming and grieving your way, are all at your disposal.
Remember most of all Margot, what you told me when I was first diagnosed, “Be Nice to Yourself.” Four little words that have become my daily mantra. So simple yet at times of pain, suprisingly difficult to do. If you need to curl up on the bed and pull the drapes and cry, do it…and don’t worry, your beautiful life will be banging on the door to rise you up again.
Your family is stronger than you know. Much love, Celeste