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Six Years Today
By Margot | March 12, 2016
Sam died six years ago today. We miss him so much. I miss who he was, and increasingly now, who he would have become. Sam’s friends are all in various stages of getting their driver’s licenses and starting to think about college. What I wouldn’t give to be sitting in the passenger seat while Sam drove his practice hours and I kidded him about fearing for my life. Come to think of it, given Sam’s love for speed and the fact that one of his Make a Wish choices (that he didn’t ultimately choose) was to be a race car driver, I might not have been kidding. I play the tortuous game sometimes that all parents who have lost a child play with themselves. Who would he be friends with now? What would he be interested in? What sports would he be playing? Would he come into the kitchen and tease me like his brothers do, “Really Mom? You’re wearing that?” Would he tackle Brady and scratch his belly?
I feel as if there is a cutting knife resting on the membrane of my heart. After six years the blade has dulled a bit but the pressure is always there and if I tilt the wrong way the knife slants and the tip plunges in and I stagger around bleeding internally for a while. Today of course if you look hard enough you might even see the handle of the knife sticking out of my chest it has titled so far in and Neil and I just have to get through the day.
In a TED Talk I watched recently there was a quote by Aristotle that says “Happiness is a state of activity.” I feel like I owe it Sam to try for that state of activity. In his nine years, he certainly nailed it. It reminds me of Neil’s advice for a lot of things “just get out and do an activity.” So I try not to stagger for too long. I try not to let the boys see me bleeding internally and I try to make sure that I’m enjoying all of their activities and milestones. I can’t help wishing that Sam’s milestones were included but there it is. I’m still working on being grateful for the ones we had with him.
We will go and walk the beach this morning and go to lunch together. Then Charlie has a baseball game that Neil is coaching and Andrew has a sleepover party that he really wants to go to. If he had won his soccer game last week, Andrew would have been in the quarter finals of National Cup today and Neil and I had already talked about trying not to put Sam’s anniversary on his shoulders too much -though I know both boys always want to do something special in remembrance of Sam. If you see any of us staggering today, it’s because we are remembering our sweet, funny, clever, goofball who gave us so much joy.
We miss you Sammo! We love you so much. Your brothers are doing you proud by “Getting in the Game.”
Topics: Progress Reports | 4 Comments »
March 13th, 2016 at 6:16 am
Thinking of all of you this week, and sending hugs.
~ Deborah, your former Pacific Pines neighbor
March 13th, 2016 at 5:41 pm
Thinking of you and remembering Sam!
April 8th, 2016 at 2:10 pm
Thinking of your beautiful boy!
July 6th, 2016 at 10:10 pm
Thinking about Sam today.