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“Six hours, feel the pain Charlie.”
By Margot | August 24, 2011
The title of this post is Andrew’s answer to Charlie’s question of “How long does school last?” I swear that kid can come up with some good one liners.
Charlie will be “feeling the pain” in two weeks and marking a new chapter for the whole family. It will be the first time in eleven years someone hasn’t been home at least part of the school day. Sam would be starting middle school and though I don’t imagine the first day of school is not going to be hard, the rest of the year, will be a bit easier. I will not run into his friends around every corner at school. I will not have to step into the fifth grade room and imagine his smiling face and have to run out to avoid a panic attack (or maybe that will still happen). There are so many memories for us of Sam at our little school that he will be ever present there but this year will be a little different in that his class will not be there. It also means that my little boys are growing up. They have both grown so much this summer. Both on the trip to Colorado making extraordinary firsts, Andrew catching his first fish on a fly rod with Grandpa, with his new soccer team forging new friendships and working his tail off, Charlie, with his rock climbing persistence and hitting the big five. Charlie blows us away sometimes with his memory. We were talking about going to meet some friends of mine from the office for lunch and Andrew said, “Who?” and Charlie said, “You remember, she had two little girls, Kansas and her little sister, and they named their cats Opitmus Prime and Lucy.” He’d only met them once and it was over a year ago. I didn’t even remeber their cats’ names. Neil and I looked at each other like, “Where did this kid come from?” He loves to practice baseball and soccer as those are his current sports of choice. I’m coaching his soccer team this fall.
Although I am under no illusions that my little five year-old kindergartner and my big third grader will no longer need me, the fact that Charlie is off to school is a little mentally terrifying. I’ve been so good about wrapping myself up in the boys needs and their world to keep going that I don’t want to contemplate any alternative. I suppose I could just do it forever and be one of those hovery mother-in-laws that will make my daughter-in-laws want to pull their hair out by telling them just how Andy likes his BLT and how Charlie likes his chocolate milk. I’ll be just like the mother in “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
I have finally had some dreams about Sam, though they’d both be considered by a therapist, if I ever saw one, as nightmares I could still in my dream feel my whole body tingle with happiness at seeing him. I was expressing frustration to my friend Mallary(she lost her husband Ed to cancer), who is one of my friends who has been forced to be my surrogate therapist, on not dreaming of Sam more and she said such a smart and obvious thing to me, “If we knew we could dream about them, if we could summon it, we’d never get out of bed.” Duh! Of course. Hope you don’t mind my quoting you again, Mallary.
Anyway, that’s my update. I’ll post pictures of the first day of school as our little Charlie boy takes his first step into big kid world (though in his mind, he’s been there for at least three years now).
Please keep the kids still fighting and the other angel parents in your thoughts. The humanized 3f8 trial is finally open and I hope that it makes dreams come true.
Topics: Progress Reports | 6 Comments »
August 24th, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Margot – wow I can relate. The line about not having to worry about running out of the school with a panic attack…ugh…last year I helped in my daughter’s third grade class and I would be outside in the hall with kids and the fifth grade classrooms were right there and I was always seeing Nathan’s classmates. I have had similar thoughts that it will be somewhat easier that they are not there, but sad when I think about it too much.
I also had similar thoughts about my youngest going to kindergarten. She started last Monday. For at least a year I thought it would be great and then a few weeks before I felt terrible about it and the first day or two I was teary running around town without kids and seeing all those young moms with little ones in the stores. 10 days in I am getting used to it. I still do need to figure out what my days will look like when I completely settle in. It is a new phase of life I guess.
Thanks for sharing…it always helps me to read how other angel moms are coping and what they are thinking and feeling. My town is too small to have any support in real life so I rely on the internet!
August 25th, 2011 at 1:42 am
Love you Margot. How suffocating the pain is at times. I am so glad you can articulate. Sometimes I feel as though I am truly suffocating and why I can’t express my thoughts any more. You are breathing, dearest friend.
August 25th, 2011 at 7:20 am
thinking of you guys!
August 25th, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Yea!!! I know how you wanted at least one dream… Love you guys & think about you daily. Miss you tons!
August 25th, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Way to go Hutchison boys! I can’t wait to see pictures. Maybe Charlie’s one of those people who literally remembers everything… it is eerie.
September 1st, 2011 at 6:46 am
You and Neil grow ’em smart, tall, athletic, and funny! Can’t believe Charlie Boy will be a “Kindie” as Mack refers to the kindergartners at his school. Having a good, memorable dream of Sam is significant – thank you for sharing that. I don’t think any of us are worried about how you’re going to fill your time, Margot. Hmmmm, possibly work, volunteering, coaching, driving to kid sports, cheering on at kid sports events, driving back from kid sports events, cooking, running, devouring books faster than anyone I know, helping friends (you helped me pack up after our flood – wanna help me unpack?)…lots of love, Lisa