« Scrapbooking help for Sam’s All-Star Party on April 3rd | Home | Reminder about the All-Star Party (Saturday 10am) »
Numb and Fun
By Margot | March 28, 2010
We’re in Palm Springs – we had to get away for a few days and through the kindness of friends and strangers, we have had a great time together as a family. We only wanted to post a quick note since many are wondering how we’re doing and we’re not communicating much since we’re a bit numb but we have been swimming at the Westin Mission Hills – probably the kids favorite spot in the valley and one that Sam loved. They have a waterslide that the boys think by unanimous vote is the fastest 🙂
The desert warmth has been great and the boys are itching to head back home – Andy has Sunday soccer and Charlie wants his own bed again.
One Sam story: the boys were going up and down the slide at a feverish pace and we believe Charlie set a one-day record for the number of slides. He wears a life-vest but Margot and I are usually in the water to catch him just in case. At one point, I needed some help to get Charlie up the stairs and asked this nice young man if he could watch Charlie while I positioned myself in the pool to catch. This is the only exchange I had where I asked anyone for help — I introduced Charlie by saying “this is Charlie and he’s 3. What’s your name?” Anyone want to guess the boy’s name that I stumbled upon to help Charlie?
We miss Sam immensely. I have struggled with so many questions – what did I do wrong? How could I have done things differently and bought Sam some time? Margot copes differently – she and Sam were so close and they knew each other so intimately that I think she feels Sam with her every movement. With Andy and Charlie in our midst, we still feel like the luckiest parents ever but would do anything to have Sam back. It’s so final and that’s something very difficult to deal with.
Topics: Progress Reports | 14 Comments »
March 28th, 2010 at 12:42 am
Neil,
It sounds like Sam continues to let you know he is ok. Keep listening I am sure he will continue to send you the message.
I am always here for you to talk to, any time any day.
March 28th, 2010 at 4:53 am
Glad you guys got away. For now put one foot in front of the other…
March 28th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Margot, I feel that way I think. I just feel like Erik is here, everywhere. I hate that I can’t talk to him–hear him–just seems like he is too quiet. Can’t wait to see you all. Loving you.
March 28th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
Neil ,
There is NOTHING more you could have done. You have gone above and beyond what is humanly possible for Sam. You gave Sam an amazing quality of life and he lived as long as he did because of you. Sam knew that and he will keep sending you signs that he is okay.
March 28th, 2010 at 10:15 pm
Neil, Margot, Andy and Charlie:
Everytime I open up your site, that crazy red hair always gets me. Sam must have felt like the luckiest kid in the world to have you as his family. You did a lot, and more, and it will continue to radiate through the NB world. We think of you all constantly, I feel like if I were to meet you and some of the other “big” names of parents on the ACOR list that it would be like being in the presence of a celebrity. We continue to pray daily for you all, God bless your family and your “fastest angel”
The Olsens
Justin, Jodie, Brenna, Jordyn and London
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jordynolsen
March 29th, 2010 at 11:21 am
I lost a someone who was 10 in 2005 – she is with me all the time in my heart. I still find myself “thinking to her” on a regular basis, telling her what I think she would say or be thinking. They say it gets easier, but I won’t say that, it just gets different. My heart does not ache any more when I think of her, it smiles when I remember what was… I have given up what could have been for the happy memories.
March 29th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Nothing Neil, absolutely nothing.
March 29th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Redman-
Sam has visited you in so many ways-here we have the boy helping Charlie up the slide..the boy named Sam. Seems to me that Sam is letting you know that he is in a good place, a far better place than our world, and he wants you to know it-
Sitting back here I think of how many Sam’s I know – I dont know any Sam’s (except your Sam) and so it reinforces my firm belief that the frequent Sam transactions are your Sam-telling you that he is ok.
The whole world knows that you fought the most knowledge based fight against this evil cancer-when cancer came to your front door, knocked it down and went for Sam you fought so damn hard and so smart-every choice weighed against another option-fighting for good care-fighting for new options-funding for Sam and others-taking experimental drugs with Sam so you could evaluate the effect on Sam better-crossing the globe for options-you left no stone unturned.
We understand everything in hindsight but must play our life forward; Sam is looking down on his brothers and mom and you and telling you that he is ok, that you need to Get In The Game-this is what Sam would want for you-to do what he most missed-being in the Game. Get In The Game and live life forward, don’t dwell on yesterday-be confident that you and Sam and Margot will one day be re-united with Sam in a place where cancer has no footing.
Sam loves you with all of his heart and he wants you in The Game. Bask in his wry smile and know that his wisdom is with Marg’s, Andy and Charlie and be sure to take a good dose of it yourself.
I love you.
March 30th, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Neil,
I wanted to say something that would reassure you that you had done everything you could (and then some), but your wise brother Tom said it all. Those of us who watched what you and Margot did for Sam stand in awe of the power of your love for him. You left no stone unturned. Believe that.
Thinking of you and your family with love and prayers. Have a wonderful celebration on Saturday.
Pam
March 31st, 2010 at 1:01 am
Oh My Gosh. One more story that gives me the chills and makes me believe he’s still with us we just can’t see him. Thank you for sharing the story. I was at a spiritual retreat today that talked about how in Israel some people can see a temple that is no longer there. These are people who are very well respected and righteous spiritual leaders. They say when you see with your “spiritual eyes” and not your “physical eyes” you see things that are not visible to the majority of people on earth.
March 31st, 2010 at 9:01 am
Hey Neil, Numb is good! I really feel that it is a gift that helps you cope. Stay there as long as you can.. You did everything possible for Sam! Everything! And you continued to play and have fun with your family all they way through. You and Sam and your family, have also helped countless other families in this fight in so very many ways. I’m glad you are having “Sam” moments. That is so cool. I’m thinking of you and praying for Peace and Comfort for all of you. God Bless you, Love, Ellen
http://www.caringbridge.org/ma/seanhanson
April 1st, 2010 at 12:33 am
Neil,
No one could have done more – know that in your heart. I think of you, Margot, and the boys every day and wish that I could be there on Saturday. Sam will never be more than prayer away.
My love to all,
Mindy
April 1st, 2010 at 4:53 am
Neil – nothing more you could have done, you are amazing. Sam is visiting you all, in different ways and times. Sam continues to be your angel, what a beautiful gift.
April 4th, 2010 at 8:05 pm
Nobody telling you that there was nothing you could have done differently will sink in, but eventually you will see that you did everything you could – so much more than most parents would or could have. Most people – and I know others who’ve faced this – trust in the doctors they have, and take the traditional/accepted medical route, and when that fails, just brace for the end. You moved heaven and earth for Sam, and made saving him your sole mission for a very, very long time. If there was any way to keep him with you, you would have found it. There simply wasn’t anything to be done. I wish you peace on this issue above all and hope that you know that when a cure IS found, the work you did to test and try and uncover so many options will have played a role in that, and other lives will be spared because of it.