Ten Years
By Margot | March 12, 2020
Sam has been gone ten years today. We’ve spent the morning looking at videos of him and laughing through tears. He sure loved his people and his brothers. I read through this site some and smiled at descriptions of Sam making a basket in PeeWee basketball, raising his arms up and twirling for the crowd with a big smile on his face. When I wonder who he would have grown into, I decide to go with his six and seven year-old career plan for himself. He always said he’d be in the NFL as a quarterback, then retire and play in the NBA for five years and end his career in major league baseball. We miss his smile and his laugh and his sense of humor. I’m also amazed when I read back through entries and see how much fun and joy he was able to find in the smallest things even if it was an afternoon in the hospital playing volleyball with a blown up sterile glove waiting for a blood draw. I wish he were here to know how amazing his brothers are and drive with them for breakfast at Konitos. Reading through old entries, it’s nice to remember how much he enjoyed them both while he was here. We miss you Sammo, so much. Can’t believe it’s been a decade without you.
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Nine Years
By Margot | March 12, 2019
Sam died nine years ago today. Still loved and still missed. I still dread this day coming every year but I appreciate the few hours in the morning that I allow myself to look at his pictures and videos and remember our amazing little boy. He packed a lot into his nine years and I remind myself how much he laughed and loved to tease. Miss you Sammo, you were such shining light.
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Seventeen
By Margot | July 13, 2017
Sam would have been 17 today.
Happy Birthday Sweet Boy! We miss you so much. We looked at pictures and watched videos of your silly, happy self yesterday and we will celebrate you today with a bike ride and a messy sundae in your honor. I hope you are up there breaking ankles in soccer and running with the cheetahs.
Love,
Mom, Dad, Andrew, and Mr. Baby Dude
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Seven Years
By Margot | March 12, 2017
Seven years today. Miss you Sammo! We miss everything about you. You would be so proud of your little brothers.
Sam was such a funny boy. When I look back through the photos I see so much of his “Mr. Cool” personality but he pulled it off in such a kind and goofy way. I especially love the photo where he is grossing out at the fishing worms. I always had to put the worm on the hook for him.
Charlie had a friend over this week who was looking at the pictures on our walls. He asked Charlie, “Was your little brother nice?” Charlie answered, “I am the littlest of all of my brothers.” “Oh,” said his friend, “Well was your older brother nice?” “Yes,” answered Charlie, “he was nice.” His friend then asked “Was he good at sports?” “Yes,” Charlie said, “he was good at sports.” Though Charlie is now older than Sam ever was, I don’t think of it that way. He will always be the oldest in my mind. I guess that seems obvious but I didn’t know I’d think of it that way until the boys passed him by in age.
We miss him every day. It does get easier in general, however, this day, in particular, does not.
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Six Years Today
By Margot | March 12, 2016
Sam died six years ago today. We miss him so much. I miss who he was, and increasingly now, who he would have become. Sam’s friends are all in various stages of getting their driver’s licenses and starting to think about college. What I wouldn’t give to be sitting in the passenger seat while Sam drove his practice hours and I kidded him about fearing for my life. Come to think of it, given Sam’s love for speed and the fact that one of his Make a Wish choices (that he didn’t ultimately choose) was to be a race car driver, I might not have been kidding. I play the tortuous game sometimes that all parents who have lost a child play with themselves. Who would he be friends with now? What would he be interested in? What sports would he be playing? Would he come into the kitchen and tease me like his brothers do, “Really Mom? You’re wearing that?” Would he tackle Brady and scratch his belly?
I feel as if there is a cutting knife resting on the membrane of my heart. After six years the blade has dulled a bit but the pressure is always there and if I tilt the wrong way the knife slants and the tip plunges in and I stagger around bleeding internally for a while. Today of course if you look hard enough you might even see the handle of the knife sticking out of my chest it has titled so far in and Neil and I just have to get through the day.
In a TED Talk I watched recently there was a quote by Aristotle that says “Happiness is a state of activity.” I feel like I owe it Sam to try for that state of activity. In his nine years, he certainly nailed it. It reminds me of Neil’s advice for a lot of things “just get out and do an activity.” So I try not to stagger for too long. I try not to let the boys see me bleeding internally and I try to make sure that I’m enjoying all of their activities and milestones. I can’t help wishing that Sam’s milestones were included but there it is. I’m still working on being grateful for the ones we had with him.
We will go and walk the beach this morning and go to lunch together. Then Charlie has a baseball game that Neil is coaching and Andrew has a sleepover party that he really wants to go to. If he had won his soccer game last week, Andrew would have been in the quarter finals of National Cup today and Neil and I had already talked about trying not to put Sam’s anniversary on his shoulders too much -though I know both boys always want to do something special in remembrance of Sam. If you see any of us staggering today, it’s because we are remembering our sweet, funny, clever, goofball who gave us so much joy.
We miss you Sammo! We love you so much. Your brothers are doing you proud by “Getting in the Game.”
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Fifteen
By Margot | July 13, 2015
Happy 15th Birthday, Sam! I can’t imagine the mischief you would be getting into as a fifteen year-old boy. We wish you were here to give your famous eye roll and laugh at your brothers. We are going to Sammy’s Pizza tonight and have a messy sundae in your honor, sweet boy.
Love, Mom, Dad, Andrew and Mr. Baby Dude
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FIVE YEARS
By Margot | March 12, 2015
Sam died five years ago today. I looked through all of his pictures and some videos last night and smiled at all he did. There are pictures of him surfing, playing tennis, playing basketball, playing soccer, playing football at the park, playing baseball, golfing, sledding, river rafting, going to Disneyland, in a Fireman’s outfit, dressed up as Wolverine, hugging his brothers, laughing, sticking out his tongue, hugging Shamu, in Australia with his cousins, at Legoland, in Michigan dancing with his Grandma, fishing with his Grandpa in New Mexico, at the White House, at the top of the Empire State building, dancing on the Piano in FAO Schwartz in New York, in front of the Empire State building, high fiving Joe, goofing around with his dad, at a birthday party with his friends, driving a remote control car, skateboarding, horseback riding, riding his bike, rock climbing, getting let down the big ramp by Tony Hawk, smiling next to Shawn White, driving the bobcat with Uncle Tom, putting the star on top of the Christmas Tree, singing in the school Christmas Show, doing the jogathon at school, meeting LaDanian Tomlinson, being the ring bearer in Grandpa’s weeding, running along the beach with a huge smile, seeing the Cheetahs run, petting a penguin, playing with trucks, playing hockey in the hospital halls, playing hide and go seek in the hospital garden, climbing in the caves in Bandalier National Park, jumping in the pool, building snowmen in Grandpa’s backyard, kicking butt at his karate tournament, hugging his teachers at school, jumping on Uncle Matt’s back, buried in the sand with Andrew in Hawaii, hiking the volcano in Hawaii, laughing on the Brunettes couch, playing the kickball game at school, in New Orleans with his cousins, riding with the Bonebrake boys in a classic convertible, in Colorado on a train, arms around Tanner, dressed up as Woody, in Mexican hat for Cinco De Mayo, in a Chef’s hat, holding a sparkler on the 4th of July,shotting hoops with Uncle Paul, and riding a BMX bike at Andrew’s birthday party a month before he died. And we have hundreds and hundreds of pictures of him living his life large. As excruciating as it is for me to think of the moments he has missed in this past five years and to think of all that he will miss, as hard as it is to hear of his friend’s birthdays and graduations, I remind myself that while he was here, he lived with a smile and sense of adventure and he did not waste much time feeling sorry for himself. I look at his brothers who are such amazing human beings and are who have gotten Neil and me through this past five years, and I remind myself, as I remind you today, to try and live life large. At least for today, don’t worry about the minutia and go out and do something fun. Go out and GET IN THE GAME – because it goes fast. We love you Sam Hutchison and we miss you so much. We will be up at the Wild Animal Park with the boys to see the cheetahs and remember our amazing boy.
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Fourteen
By Margot | July 14, 2014
It was Sam’s fourteenth birthday yesterday. We drove home from New Mexico and saw the most beautiful morning sky on our way. We walked up to Kate Sessions Park with our new dog Brady (named after Tom Brady of course) after we got into San Diego last evening and then went out to dinner and had Salmon (he used to call it pink fish) and a chocolate cheesecake in his honor. It was the World Cup final and Sam would have gotten a big kick out of that being on his birthday. I’m sure he would have picked the winner way back in week one. He seemed to have a knack for that.
As we get further away from 9 years old and Sam as a little boy, I try not to drive myself crazy wondering what Sam would be like now. I met a girl going into 9th grade on our vacation and was talking with her about high school and I wondered if Sam were there would he be shy? Would he be chatting her up? Would he be nervous about high school or excited? What would he be interested in doing? Of course these are questions I will never know the answers to and so I counsel myself to try and focus on who he was and how much he gave to the world while he was here and not so much on who he would have been. I’m not always successful of course. Happy Birthday to our amazing little boy. Your brothers and your dad and I miss you so.
Margot
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Four Years
By Margot | March 12, 2014
It has been four years today. Four years without our funny, handsome, speed-loving, “live life to the fullest” little boy. We miss him so much. They say that there is a point where we will remember him with smiles and not pain but we certainly haven’t gotten to that point yet – though we do remember him with smiles and laughter, there is definitely still pain. But as much as I want to “It’s Not Fair!” my life away, I know that Sam did not and we owe it to him not to. It also struck me how little Andrew and Charlie look in these pictures compared to the boys they are today. Time slips away so quickly and I’m so proud of Sam and how he made the most of every moment – always looking for fun and laughter and always ready to make a joke.
We are in a new house now and will plant a new tree for Sam in a prominent place in our new back yard. We will go out for french toast this morning and take a bike ride this afternoon. We love you Sammo! So so much.
Margot
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Thirteen
By Margot | July 13, 2013
Sam would have been thirteen today. He would have gotten such a kick out of being 13 on the 13th of 2013. I can’t help but imagine him on his skateboard a lot. I was at the Monacos house a few weeks ago and his friends Joe and Blake asked if they could ride their skateboards to Mr. Frosty’s and it took my breath away how old they are getting.
We love you Sam and miss you so. We celebrated at the park this morning with a big group of friends. The kids played football and kickball and we had an awesome water balloon fight and let 13 balloons go in your honor.
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